Re-focus

I’ve been having an incredible difficult time staying focused. My mind had calmed a bit after the retreat I went on a few weekends ago, but now it’s right back to going 100 miles a minute. Throughout the day my emotions range from: positive, annoyed, tired, lonely, anxious, depressed – then a brief bout of “okayness”- then back to being unhappy.

To cope with all of these feelings I just want to eat all of the things, which in turns just makes me feel worse – no self-control, low willpower, weak. I’ve tried to establish routines to give my day order/stay on track, but my motivation to adhere to my list is low.

Thinking about something I have to do (even if it’s “fun”) leaves me feeling exhausted even though I know I usually feel better once I’ve completed something. I don’t want to start something because I know I won’t want to finish it (laundry). Charts can be a good guide, but I tend to beat myself up if I don’t meet my goals.

It’s been a series of mini victories/little things that have kept me going.

  • Going to the store (even if it’s one out of several errands on my list)
  • Laying out and reading a book in the sun in the afternoons
  • Being the one to initiate a conversation versus waiting on people to make a move (call/text)
  • Learning to say “no” to people and activities

Things I’ve learned lately:

  • I rely more on my boyfriend for social support than I’d like to be. I love him to death, but want to be able to make myself happy without depending on him to do so.
  • really don’t like being told what to do/receive unsolicited advice/being micromanaged. If I want advice/need help I’m more open to it if I ask for it myself.
  • I do not want to be a teacher like I had been (re)considering. The health care field is, however, looking more appealing.
  • I get jealous a lot easier than I care to admit

Goals for the Week:

  • More yoga, walks, and strength training versus cardio
  • More reading versus social media
  • Less sugar and alcohol (two drinks and desserts)
  • Sort through my clothes/belongings to donate

Onwards & Upwards…

 

Bouncing Back

 

I wanted to follow up on my post from yesterday. Although, no, it wasn’t a “full on, hardcore” binge in my book doesn’t mean that it didn’t impact me. I left the previous post with a few questions and wanted to circle back to show how I handled the rest of the day.

Since my current living situation consists of me bouncing back and forth between two houses, I don’t keep a lot of food on hand because I have been throwing a lot of uneaten food out – and I hate wasting good food. My “binge” began after I ate lunch. I had a healthy lunch full of veggies and protein, but I was still hungry.

*Side note* I was annoyed with myself for still being hungry because I intentionally ate a slightly larger breakfast. I had run a mile before taking my mom to get our nails done (early Mother’s Day present), but I still didn’t feel like my very slow mile warranted a big recovery meal…

I went to get fill up on gas since I was taking my parents to the airport in the afternoon. Still “emotionally” and slightly physically hungry, I swung by the store on my way to pick up ONE of my favorite protein bars. Being financially cautious, I bought two at once, afraid that the sale price wouldn’t be honored if I only bought one (it was a 2/$4 deal). I told myself  that I could save one for later in the afternoon after my workout when I knew I’d be hungry. But just like my “failed” day(s), before I hurriedly ate both before the time I made it back home.

That’s when the loathing, guilt, and shame set in. I knew eating both would make me feel bad, but I ate them any ways.

 

When and how much I’m going to work out?

I wanted to immediately head to the gym after my airport, but I swung by my boyfriend’s house and passed out for almost two hours in his guest bedroom while he worked from home.

What will they have to eat at the meeting? – I already overdid it while I was on the retreat with them last weekend. I don’t want that to happen again.

I showed up (late) to the meeting and wasn’t craving/hungry when I got there. I had had a small snack on the way home. We had a break halfway through where I caved and had some “healthier: salty snacks, but it still irked me that I wasn’t able to measure/count what I was eating and therefore know the calorie content.

I didn’t go out with the group afterwards. I went back to my boyfriends where I thought we were going to work out, but he was exhausted after being up since 3 am to catch a flight. I went home where I had another balanced snack and tea and tried and failed to go to bed earlier.

Healing

Good Things:

  • I didn’t go to the gym specifically to “work off” my day of (in my eyes) unhealthy eating
  • I didn’t beat myself up when I didn’t go to the gym
  • I reached out to a friend earlier in the day to share my feelings

My main takeaway from all of this:

Always have enough healthy foods stocked, prepped, and with me

There is still A LOT more work to be done, but my day could have ended worse…

Onwards & Upwards

 

Whoops, I binged again…

Another “binge.” Another bout of eating extra and extra when I’m not even physically hungry. Another failure of my plans to prevent this kind of episode.

I know that I NEED the food. Especially since I’ve been exercising more, but I would feel physically and mentally better if I was able to STOP and spread my intake out.

Now I’m mad at myself because I knew beforehand that I’d be stressing about what I did and trying to “plan” out what I’m going to eat/do for the rest of the day to “stay on track” with my goals.

img_7052

Today is a busier than usual day. I took my mom out for a mani/pedi for an early Mother’s Day I was supposed to go to a new church group tonight. Instead of focusing on crossing things off my lengthly to do list my energy is being sucked by thoughts of:

When and how much I’m going to work out?

What will they have to eat at the meeting? – I already overdid it while I was on the retreat with them last weekend. I don’t want that to happen again.

I’m really disappointed in myself.  I wanted today to be different. I wanted to defeat the urges. I kept my trigger foods out of the house. I physically had to drive to the store and purchase them.

Now I am ashamed of myself and want to stay home tonight. Not see my boyfriend. Not see my new friends. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I will just binge again and end up hating myself more…

I’m so exhausted of this cycle and my failed attempts to break it.

April Action

April has been so busy, but in a good way. I’m starting to fall back into a routine after an intense few weeks of filming in March. It was a month full of new opportunities, spending time catching up with friends, and making new connections. There were no trips this month, but May kicks off the “trip a month” season for my boyfriend and I. Stay tuned for more!

Babysat J’s nephews

2017-04-04 08.01.35-1

Still job hunting and had many phone interviews – none of which have panned out…

I began struggling more with my eating disorder (the awful “binge and purge cycle”)

Attended our friend’s brewery’s 2nd anniversary party

2017-04-08 12.37.34

2017-04-09 02.52.35

Began weight training with J’s brother

2017-04-05 00.49.10

Filming ended (hallelujah)

2017-04-09 21.40.30

Began coaching youth tennis

April (hail) showers

2017-04-04 19.39.01

Started a running regimen

2017-04-21 07.45.46

Some of J’s friends were in town for the weekend and we went to “The Revivalists” concert, brunch, and the park

2017-04-29 07.06.44

2017-04-16 04.47.46-1

2017-04-16 04.47.46-2

2017-04-15 15.03.37

Easter

Saw a local production of “Singin’ in the Rain” (my favorite musical)

2017-04-23 02.00.16-1

Fell and hurt my knee…

2017-04-26 00.07.45-2

Movies/TV

Parks & Recreation, Seasons 2 – 6

Deep Water Horizon

The Theory of Everything​

Singin’ in the Rain

Armageddon
Books

A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

The Wonder ​by Emma Donoghue

The Children by Ann Leary

Triple Digits

The past month marks the first time in SEVEN YEARS that I’ve hit (and kept on) triple digits. I can’t believe that I’m typing those words. I’m 27 and just now weigh over 100 pounds?! The past year and a half has been particularly difficult. Sometimes I coped well and got stronger, but there were MANY times in which I felt like I was failing…

Initially when I posted this accomplishment on Facebook I was overwhelmed by the positive feedback, “likes” and “loves” left by friends and people I haven’t communicated with in years (or ever, really). The encouraging comments left me in tears – I actually was proud of myself for once.

Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for my own criticism enter my brain. Despite re-reading comments and encouragement from my beyond-wonderful boyfriend, I have been struggling to shake the feelings of disgust I have with myself. How can I go from feeling so “free” and proud of myself for all I’ve overcome to literally loathing myself?!

“My pants are all too tight, nothing fits right anymore”

“Your thighs look HUGE in those picture from this weekend – I need to increase my time in the gym”

“You’re weak. Why can’t you stop eating and say just say ‘no'”

“You used to be so self-disciplined and in control. What happened?!”

This goes to show how scary and debilitating this disease is. No, it’s not just “about food.” For me, it’s always been about control. When I feel out of control in certain areas of my life (typically my career) the eating disorder behaviors and thoughts are stronger.

It’s good that I can recognize this pattern, though it does not necessarily make it any easier to treat myself with kindness. My therapists reiterates the need for me to practice self-compassion. It’s hard to engage in those kinds of exercises – I don’t even know where to begin. The thought seems so foreign; I’ve been my biggest enemy my whole life.

Maybe that’s what scares me. My eating disorder has been my “identity” for so long that It’s hard to picture who I am without it – who I want to be. I know I need to be more open-minded and put myself out there. It’s overwhelming to know where to start, but the important thing is to actually start AND give myself credit for putting in the effort.

I few things that I have tried to shift my focus to lately:

  • Cooking healthier meals from scratch
  • Blogging
  • Reading
  • Running
  • Weight lifting

I know that I still have a long way to go. Right now it’s important that I don’t backtrack and keep moving forward by focusing on what I want my life to look like in the future:

  • A runner ( half-marathon)
  • An artist
  • A healthy lifestyle blogger/figure
  • A mother

One day at a time – onwards and upwards, my friends!

March Madness

I know, I know… It’s halfway through April and I’m just now posting my “March review.” March has been a whirlwind, but in a different way. I started to train to run a 5K which was a good distraction/something to focus on while still being unemployed.

I took a job as a stand in for a new TV pilot which consumed a LOT of my time. I had worked as one three years ago, but this production was different. There were more 12-14 hour days, night shoots, and getting home at 3 am. Let’s just say that I am still physically and mentally recovering from when we wrapped last week. It’s been a struggle adjusting to a new routine…

Anyways, without further delay, here are the highlights from my March 2017:

Ash Wednesday – the beginning of Lent

2017-03-01 23.00.51

One month dating anniversary – yes, we are cheesy and love it

2017-03-13 23.20.53-6

“Let is Be” musical at Fair Park

2017-03-13 23.20.53-4

St. Patty’s Day Party at J’s

2017-03-08 23.03.57-1

2017-03-17 16.37.12

2017-03-17 09.46.35

Ran a 5K

2017-03-13 23.20.48

Began working as a stand in for a new TV Pilot

2017-03-27 13.58.13

Babysat J’s nephews

2017-03-26 01.33.34-1

Springtime!

2017-03-22 11.18.40

Movies/TV

Parks & Recreation, Seasons 2 – 4

This is Us, Season 1

Grey’s Anatomy, Season 13

The Usual Suspects

Books

The Happiness ProjectThe Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles” by Marianne Williamson

The Last Anniversary by Liane Moriarty

February Fun

Wow! To say that a lot has happened in a month is an understatement. It began with me transitioning into unemployed life, volunteering and becoming more active in a church community, meeting new friends and beginning to date the most kind and godly man, then back to back vacations. Whew… Read on!

Bowling

2017-02-04-04-24-50-3

Made new friends after volunteering with a young adult group from church

Became obsessed with RX Bars

2017-02-04-10-29-38-1

Started dating the most amazing man

2017-02-06-16-30-14-4

Went to London with my cousin, Hannah. In-depth post to follow!

Valentine’s Day

2017-02-14-02-26-44-2

Flew to California with said amazing man. He had to come out for work for a few days and I had been dying to re-visit California. We spent most of our time in Irvine while he was working and Newport Beach where and I enjoyed meeting a lot of his friends. It was nice to have time to ourselves after not seeing each other for 9 days while I was across the pond!

2017-02-23-09-47-10
Laguna

2017-02-25-03-30-50

The 2nd 636 Dallas event

2017-02-28-20-10-29

Mardis Gras

2017-02-28-21-39-36
J’s First Jambalaya

Movies/TV

Parks & Recreation, Seasons 2 – 3
This is Us, Season 1
Grey’s Anatomy, Season 13
The Crown, Season 1 (again)
Love Actually
The Oscar’s

Books

The Happiness ProjectThe Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles” by Marianne Williamson