A Joyful July

Yes, I realize that I am just now posting my “July” review as August is almost halfway over. Blogging has been on the back-burner as my new job picked up and I was busy with two back to back trips. So much joy and exciting things have happened and lie ahead. Praise be to God!

Fourth of July: Pool party & cookout with friends

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Moving

Volunteering

Big event work event

Trip to Boston: My boyfriend went to school there so we spent time checking out Harvard, his old hangouts, exploring the harbor area, and tasting yummy food! We even squeezed in a day trip to Salem.

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My Birthday: After arriving back home from Boston SUPER early, I bummed around the house until my J’s family came over for dinner and presents.

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Movies/TV

 Stranger Things

Twin Peaks

Books

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

Goodbye Ed, Hello Me (re-read) by Jenni Schaefer

Longbourn by Jo Baker

Was joys did July bring you?!

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Bouncing Back

 

I wanted to follow up on my post from yesterday. Although, no, it wasn’t a “full on, hardcore” binge in my book doesn’t mean that it didn’t impact me. I left the previous post with a few questions and wanted to circle back to show how I handled the rest of the day.

Since my current living situation consists of me bouncing back and forth between two houses, I don’t keep a lot of food on hand because I have been throwing a lot of uneaten food out – and I hate wasting good food. My “binge” began after I ate lunch. I had a healthy lunch full of veggies and protein, but I was still hungry.

*Side note* I was annoyed with myself for still being hungry because I intentionally ate a slightly larger breakfast. I had run a mile before taking my mom to get our nails done (early Mother’s Day present), but I still didn’t feel like my very slow mile warranted a big recovery meal…

I went to get fill up on gas since I was taking my parents to the airport in the afternoon. Still “emotionally” and slightly physically hungry, I swung by the store on my way to pick up ONE of my favorite protein bars. Being financially cautious, I bought two at once, afraid that the sale price wouldn’t be honored if I only bought one (it was a 2/$4 deal). I told myself  that I could save one for later in the afternoon after my workout when I knew I’d be hungry. But just like my “failed” day(s), before I hurriedly ate both before the time I made it back home.

That’s when the loathing, guilt, and shame set in. I knew eating both would make me feel bad, but I ate them any ways.

 

When and how much I’m going to work out?

I wanted to immediately head to the gym after my airport, but I swung by my boyfriend’s house and passed out for almost two hours in his guest bedroom while he worked from home.

What will they have to eat at the meeting? – I already overdid it while I was on the retreat with them last weekend. I don’t want that to happen again.

I showed up (late) to the meeting and wasn’t craving/hungry when I got there. I had had a small snack on the way home. We had a break halfway through where I caved and had some “healthier: salty snacks, but it still irked me that I wasn’t able to measure/count what I was eating and therefore know the calorie content.

I didn’t go out with the group afterwards. I went back to my boyfriends where I thought we were going to work out, but he was exhausted after being up since 3 am to catch a flight. I went home where I had another balanced snack and tea and tried and failed to go to bed earlier.

Healing

Good Things:

  • I didn’t go to the gym specifically to “work off” my day of (in my eyes) unhealthy eating
  • I didn’t beat myself up when I didn’t go to the gym
  • I reached out to a friend earlier in the day to share my feelings

My main takeaway from all of this:

Always have enough healthy foods stocked, prepped, and with me

There is still A LOT more work to be done, but my day could have ended worse…

Onwards & Upwards

 

Whoops, I binged again…

Another “binge.” Another bout of eating extra and extra when I’m not even physically hungry. Another failure of my plans to prevent this kind of episode.

I know that I NEED the food. Especially since I’ve been exercising more, but I would feel physically and mentally better if I was able to STOP and spread my intake out.

Now I’m mad at myself because I knew beforehand that I’d be stressing about what I did and trying to “plan” out what I’m going to eat/do for the rest of the day to “stay on track” with my goals.

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Today is a busier than usual day. I took my mom out for a mani/pedi for an early Mother’s Day I was supposed to go to a new church group tonight. Instead of focusing on crossing things off my lengthly to do list my energy is being sucked by thoughts of:

When and how much I’m going to work out?

What will they have to eat at the meeting? – I already overdid it while I was on the retreat with them last weekend. I don’t want that to happen again.

I’m really disappointed in myself.  I wanted today to be different. I wanted to defeat the urges. I kept my trigger foods out of the house. I physically had to drive to the store and purchase them.

Now I am ashamed of myself and want to stay home tonight. Not see my boyfriend. Not see my new friends. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I will just binge again and end up hating myself more…

I’m so exhausted of this cycle and my failed attempts to break it.

Triple Digits

The past month marks the first time in SEVEN YEARS that I’ve hit (and kept on) triple digits. I can’t believe that I’m typing those words. I’m 27 and just now weigh over 100 pounds?! The past year and a half has been particularly difficult. Sometimes I coped well and got stronger, but there were MANY times in which I felt like I was failing…

Initially when I posted this accomplishment on Facebook I was overwhelmed by the positive feedback, “likes” and “loves” left by friends and people I haven’t communicated with in years (or ever, really). The encouraging comments left me in tears – I actually was proud of myself for once.

Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for my own criticism enter my brain. Despite re-reading comments and encouragement from my beyond-wonderful boyfriend, I have been struggling to shake the feelings of disgust I have with myself. How can I go from feeling so “free” and proud of myself for all I’ve overcome to literally loathing myself?!

“My pants are all too tight, nothing fits right anymore”

“Your thighs look HUGE in those picture from this weekend – I need to increase my time in the gym”

“You’re weak. Why can’t you stop eating and say just say ‘no'”

“You used to be so self-disciplined and in control. What happened?!”

This goes to show how scary and debilitating this disease is. No, it’s not just “about food.” For me, it’s always been about control. When I feel out of control in certain areas of my life (typically my career) the eating disorder behaviors and thoughts are stronger.

It’s good that I can recognize this pattern, though it does not necessarily make it any easier to treat myself with kindness. My therapists reiterates the need for me to practice self-compassion. It’s hard to engage in those kinds of exercises – I don’t even know where to begin. The thought seems so foreign; I’ve been my biggest enemy my whole life.

Maybe that’s what scares me. My eating disorder has been my “identity” for so long that It’s hard to picture who I am without it – who I want to be. I know I need to be more open-minded and put myself out there. It’s overwhelming to know where to start, but the important thing is to actually start AND give myself credit for putting in the effort.

I few things that I have tried to shift my focus to lately:

  • Cooking healthier meals from scratch
  • Blogging
  • Reading
  • Running
  • Weight lifting

I know that I still have a long way to go. Right now it’s important that I don’t backtrack and keep moving forward by focusing on what I want my life to look like in the future:

  • A runner ( half-marathon)
  • An artist
  • A healthy lifestyle blogger/figure
  • A mother

One day at a time – onwards and upwards, my friends!

March Madness

I know, I know… It’s halfway through April and I’m just now posting my “March review.” March has been a whirlwind, but in a different way. I started to train to run a 5K which was a good distraction/something to focus on while still being unemployed.

I took a job as a stand in for a new TV pilot which consumed a LOT of my time. I had worked as one three years ago, but this production was different. There were more 12-14 hour days, night shoots, and getting home at 3 am. Let’s just say that I am still physically and mentally recovering from when we wrapped last week. It’s been a struggle adjusting to a new routine…

Anyways, without further delay, here are the highlights from my March 2017:

Ash Wednesday – the beginning of Lent

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One month dating anniversary – yes, we are cheesy and love it

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“Let is Be” musical at Fair Park

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St. Patty’s Day Party at J’s

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Ran a 5K

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Began working as a stand in for a new TV Pilot

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Babysat J’s nephews

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Springtime!

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Movies/TV

Parks & Recreation, Seasons 2 – 4

This is Us, Season 1

Grey’s Anatomy, Season 13

The Usual Suspects

Books

The Happiness ProjectThe Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles” by Marianne Williamson

The Last Anniversary by Liane Moriarty

February Fun

Wow! To say that a lot has happened in a month is an understatement. It began with me transitioning into unemployed life, volunteering and becoming more active in a church community, meeting new friends and beginning to date the most kind and godly man, then back to back vacations. Whew… Read on!

Bowling

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Made new friends after volunteering with a young adult group from church

Became obsessed with RX Bars

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Started dating the most amazing man

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Went to London with my cousin, Hannah. In-depth post to follow!

Valentine’s Day

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Flew to California with said amazing man. He had to come out for work for a few days and I had been dying to re-visit California. We spent most of our time in Irvine while he was working and Newport Beach where and I enjoyed meeting a lot of his friends. It was nice to have time to ourselves after not seeing each other for 9 days while I was across the pond!

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Laguna

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The 2nd 636 Dallas event

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Mardis Gras

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J’s First Jambalaya

Movies/TV

Parks & Recreation, Seasons 2 – 3
This is Us, Season 1
Grey’s Anatomy, Season 13
The Crown, Season 1 (again)
Love Actually
The Oscar’s

Books

The Happiness ProjectThe Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles” by Marianne Williamson

Just-In-January

My Word of the Year: Brave

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Road trip with my dad to New Orleans. My brother and sister-in-law met us there (from Georgia) so they could go to the Sugar Bowl

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“Snow” day

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Job interview(s)

My brother and sister-in-law came to visit us from Georgia for a week

Joined a gym

Went on a couple of dates…

Found a new “home church” and a new young adults group

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Last day of my job –  Laid off

Inauguration day

Booked a trip to LONDON, England for next month with my mom

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More hiking, jogging, and yoga

Volunteered for a new mission – The 635 – and make a lot of new friends

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Movies/TV

  • Don Verdean
  • Grace & Frankie, Season 1
  • This is Us, Season 1
  • New Girl, Season 5
  • Talullah
  • The Crown, Season 13
  • The Girl on the Train
  • The Queen
  • Grey’s Anatomy, Season 12
  • Parks and Recreation, Seasons 1 & 2

Books

  • First Comes Love by Emily Giffin (finished)
  • The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

How did the first month of 2017 treat you?!

December

Surprise birthday party for my best friend’s dad

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Things ended with the guy that I was “dating” – his loss
Started “relapsing” with my eating disorder
Re-Highlighted hair, but not a fan of how it turned out. But I suppose that’s what you get when you go to a school to save money
Went to the 12 Days of Christmas exhibit with my parents at the Dallas Arboretum

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More job interviews…
Started practicing yoga again

2016-12-26-10-00-59-2Too much alcohol and sweets… (yay Holidays!)

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Was let go from my job
Christmas Eve Mass and Christmas light-looking with my parents
Christmas Day

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New Year’s Eve – Kept it simple with a party at my friend’s house

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TV/Movies
This is Us, Season 1
New Girl, Seasons 4 & 5
It’s a Wonderful Life
Christmas Vacation
White Christmas
Miracle on 42nd Street (1994)

Books
Stern Men by Elizabeth Gilbert
Truly, Madly, Guilty by Lianne Moriarty
First Comes Love by Emily Giffin

April Showers

April

Began counseling (again)

Lunch out with my co-workers

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The Porch, Dallas

Young Women’s retreat through my church

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Rain, lots of rain & lovely spring weather

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Springtime in Texas

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Colored my hair

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Earth Day Dallas with my Mom

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Fair Park, Dallas

Two year anniversary working at my current job (never thought that would happen)

TV/Movies
Scandal, Season, season 5
Grey’s Anatomy, season 12
House of Cards, season 4
The Family
Age of Adelaide
Fuller House, season 1
Daddy’s Home
 
Books

My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante

Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty

The Opposite of Everyone by Joshilyn Jackson

Was your April full of showers or rainbows?

Marching on

Highlights from my March:
 
Job interviews, auditions, and more interviews
Attended a family friend’s wedding
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Enjoyed a weekend with friends and spent as much time outside after a rainy week! I even did a bit of running which I haven’t done in months
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I started spending more time with my ex, trying to figure where we want to take things
Took some much needed time off work
St. Patrick’s Day (stayed in, nothing special)
Bridesmaid’s dress shopping for one of my best friend’s wedding
Springtime in Texas
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Sacrament of Reconciliation
Easter
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TV/Movies
  • Downton Abbey, final episode (season 6)
  • Scandal, Season, season 5
  • Grey’s Anatomy, season 12
  • House of Cards, season 4
  • The Family
  • Pretty Little Liars, season 5
  • 10 Cloverfield Lane
  • Men, Women, and Children
  • Bridesmaids
  • Batman vs. Superman
 
Books
  • Speak by Louisa Hall
  • The Awakening by Kate Chopin
  • Rising Strong by Brene Brown
  • My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante
 
How was your March?