I am not

I am not her

I am not her

I am not the girl you used to know

I have worked SO hard to leave her behind

to leave you behind

I don’t want to go back

But I feel like I am falling back

Fighting with all of my strength not to go back

Just leave me alone

Let me grow my own way

I want to be different

I want to be me

Stop trying to turn me into her

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My mind

My mind can not yoga

My body can not yoga

My knees and lungs could not run

Just breathe through it

*one, two, three four*

Damn, she started talking again

Telling me what to do without “telling me what to do”

I can’t concentrate

I can’t focus

I take a break

I try to take a break

My mind and body do not know how to take a break

This makes it all worse

Do I have un-diagnosed adult ADD?

Apparently it’s a thing

I used to thrive

Under deadlines

Under rules

Under pressure

Now I freeze

I flee

I become frustrated.

My therapist would tell me that I am being to hard on myself and need to practice self-compassion. Sure, then I really wouldn’t get anything done, I’d just sitting idly in front of the TV all day. I know I need to “take care of myself*” so I will have a strong foundation moving forward.

What is supposed to help doesn’t help – yoga, exercise, eating right, cutting back on alcohol and caffeine, art, meditation, crossword puzzles, books. Trying to figure out what works for me is taking up more of the minimum level of energy I have. I want to go off the grid, but then I become board. My life feels like such an oxymoron at times…

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*a phrase that I loathe

 

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn(‘t) only just a dream

It was just a dream

Except it wasn’t

Waking up

Jaw sore jaw from being clenched all night

Waiting for the relief

“Thank GOD that wasn’t real”

Except it was

Real

Now what?

When you can’t distinguish between dreams and reality

What can you trust

What can you do

Just don’t close your eyes

The images will reappear

Haunt you

You swore you could touch them

Smell them

You were there

Now what can you trust

You can’t ven trust yourself

How do you wake up when the nightmares never end

Stuck

It never really goes away
The emptiness
The void
Try as you may to fill it, to complete yourself. To feel whole again
Again. As if you ever felt whole in the first place
Not really
No
Always there
Always kind of there
Taking up space
Trying to pass the time
Waiting
Waiting for what?
To feel competent? Loved? Empowered? Needed?
They say if you wait for the right moment, you’ll be waiting for the rest of your life
I’m guess I’m waiting to be unstuck
To feel like I can become unstuck
For someone to pull me out of the mud I’ve become hardened in
I know I need to pull myself out
I just can’t muster the strength
Physical strength
Emotional strength